- 6.
I was sad, I was sad about my youth.
I was going to complete something.
From the bedroom, to the kitchen, to the living
room, I removed my things.
This apartment had so many memories.
The way the sun shined in the bedroom, the
energy we used to have.
Laughing on the street, running in before
kissing, almost suffocating.
One watermelon divided in two, fighting over a single bite, or a $12 bottle of wine, kissing on the couch, until we’d fall over, his laughter vibrating against my chest.
I was going to keep those memories safe, just as memories.
The lock turned. It was a Ben that I didn’t know.
Even if he looked at me like always, I knew it wasn’t him.
He came close, squatted near my suitcases,
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“Going on a business trip?”
I shook my head, “Cleaning up my stuff, clearing some space.”
Today, he was wearing worse clothes than
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before. A $500 jacket, $200 pants, the undies were more expensive, I made sure he had good underwear, a pack of three for $39.
Maybe his life, was all about being rich, and he
had some fun with a poor girl.
He downgraded his life and lied.
I guess that means I won something too.
He had a nice body, he could cook, all that good stuff.
“Ben, let’s go try on some wedding dresses tomorrow.”
His eyes had a shine like a silver glaze, even when he frowned, they were gorgeous.
He laughed, “Jane, we’re still getting ready to
get married, maybe it’s a little soon to try on dresses?”
“We’re just trying them on, no need to be scared.”
Maybe because it was the first time I’d said we
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might not get married, he looked caught off
guard.
Ben put his arm around me, “You’re mad at
me?”
“I just think we have a way to go, we don’t know what will happen.
“Maybe we aren’t right for each other, maybe someone else is waiting for me…‘
He held my hand hard, laughing a little, “Shut up, I’ll go, I’ll go.”
I didn’t grab him and hug him, I just kept packing.
Tiffany messaged me, asking why I was asking about him.
She said, [You might as well find a guy in your range. He went to Milan with his fiance. Don’t shame the school.]
I realized when he’d gone away for a “work trip“, he’d gone dress shopping with another
woman.
I booked a wedding dress appointment, it was
in the evening.
The whole day, I sat quietly. Ben came back
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Getting married was a huge goal.
I dreamed of wearing white, holding my
bouquet, and walking towards him.
Just like now, I’d be looking at him, and ask,
“Do I look beautiful?”
I was pretty sure I would be beautiful. It’s a
great moment for any girl, one of the prettiest moments in her life.
Ben didn’t say anything, he looked out the window.
The wind howled, it wasn’t something he ever cared about.
The girl was there for him, putting on a dress
for him. But he didn’t have the courage to look back.
Ben, look back at her.
This might be the only and the last time she belongs to you.
